Fuckkkkk

My cousin asked my sister if I ate food today... It's kind of troubling. That your cousin asks about it before direct family does. I don't think I try to do this. And every time I spit out food is like a stab in the stomach. But, I've done nothing that required food... Nothing that needs the energy for it. We drove for 8 hours and I didn't eat because I was sitting in the car for 8 hours doing nothing but reading shitty fanfiction and listening to music! Hell, I wasn't even hungry! I don't avoid food. But I do avoid unhealthy food and snacking on times not meant for eating. Eating just makes me worse than I already am.

     I eat food at meal times so I don't trouble anyone with this selfish problem, and I guess it's probably for the better... I've read stories about people who don't eat, and how they have to go to some fancy place that probably costs a shit ton of money and months of food rehab. Plus, if I put myself through that, my FAMILY through that, I will never be treated the same again... They will watch me eat, making sure I'm being healthy, like I'm some kind of time bomb train that's going to derail and have to go to that one place again, and spend a fuck load of money.

I'm Probably Gonna Get Fat

So I have been locked up in my room for what seems like forever. I'm trying not to eat that much because, hell, like I need the food when I don't do anything all day! Anyway, I'm trying to get outside more, but its difficult to do because I keep giving myself excuses not to. Whats worse is that I KNOW that they are excuses. I'm not completely blinded by my own disguises. I disgust myself. Just sitting here watching TV and typing away on a blog that nobody will ever see.

FAVORITE SONG LIST

Acoustic songs:

Seven swans -Sufjan Stevens

Such Great Heights -Iron and Wine

Size Too Small- Sufjan Stevens

Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop

Older songs:

Mr Brightside -The Killers

Miserable at Best 

Black Cat -Mayday Parade

Hero Heroine- Boys Like Girls

Last dinosaurs

Somebody told me -The Killers

Dubstep!:

Sanctuary KH 

Introduction to Dubstep

Going in for the kill -Skrillex
Time [We Plants Are Happy Remix] Hans Zimmer 

Everything else:
Electra Heart- Marina and the Diamonds
Why do you only call me when youre high- Arctic Monkeys
Puppet- Gregory and the Hawk
Round and ROund- Imagine Dragons
Sufjan stevens- Sister winter
sufjan stevens- Romulus

hadouken- M.A.D

Terrified- Among Savages
The Neighborhood- All of their songs

Switzerland- The Last Bison

The Moment I Said It -Imogen Heap

Lets go -Imogen Heap

In Fact- Gregory and the Hawk

Season poem- Gregory and the Hawk

Stranger - Katie Costello

Loveeeeeeee song -Rihanna

Tourist- Yuna
Cemeteries of London- Coldplay
The Scientist- Coldplay
Mad World
Almost Lovers
Satisfied - Marina And the Diamonds

If anyone actually reads this, they should comment some good songs!

-B

Thoughts

Ever wonder why I have so many mirrors... Why I feel the need to see myself over, and over, and over again? If I hate my body so much, why do I feel the remind myself of it. It's so ironic, that I place all of these mirrors around. The only reason I do is because I feel that I will accept me. The hope that there is another me somewhere. In a parallel universe, maybe there's another me that shares my thoughts. Everyday I think that I'm  fine, I don't need to work out because my body is fine the way it is. Then there Are some wake up calls. Your friends telling you you're gonna get fat... Your family telling you you're fat... Just the little things that chip away at you. That build to the crack that is protecting your sanity. Everyone has problems, sure. You hear about it every day. People coming to you or your friends and ranting their problems. I don't share my problems... People would consider them stupid and petty because I have a "perfect life" and I'm not poor or my problems are not enough compared to theirs. I'm screaming. I don't know what I'm doing, but I always managed to tape myself up, and wake up the next day. All of these things that just happen around me. People don't hear me. I don't know if it's the way I talk, or if people just don't want to. They don't want to listen to the golden child and her stupid thoughts. Maybe that's what I am, a stupid thought. Just something useless. I'm not really sure anymore. 

       Here I am, sitting in my bed, writing my problems. Heh. It's funny that now I'm just not paying attention to what I'm writing. Just babbling and letting the tick and tap of my keyboard sooth my tears. How pathetic.

         I believe that I have mirrors because I can have someone to turn to. Someone who isn't busy and who isn't angry at me. I find myself talking to myself.... Staring into my own eyes as if they didn't belong to me anymore. What have I become. What will I become... The cracks are getting bigger and it makes me wonder what's gonna happen when I shatter. Will I break into a million pieces unnoticed, or will I just... Break. Loose all emotion and feeling that causes me pain... And just float. Maybe one day I'll meet me. See what I'm really like. That would be nice.

Day Post

Today, I found out that I cant write poetry for shit.

Today I am having a very, very emotional fight with a friend! Yay!

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